“Gather yourself, up ’til now there’s been no clue
the awakening will be swift and harsh and rude
and it won’t be what you know and it won’t be what you’d expect
and it will carry with it the force of fear-inspiring wreck”

-from the song “The Awakening” by Jennifer Nettles

Every now and then we all find ourselves at an impasse.  Suddenly the cruise control of life goes up in flames and we’re standing there unable to move forward.  Maybe we’re afraid that if we do, that unexpected opportunity will actually close.  Maybe the memories of how it felt, the hopes it fostered and the feeling of “being alive” is too much to step away from.  Or, maybe, when you’re standing there afterward, and you’ve been exposed, you’re forced to realize how empty it all is.

 Creating relationships that rarely know my inner feelings, fears, strengths and desires is what I do.  I am not easily impressed, or moved, by someone’s words.  After all, words are effortless.  Time is my guide and actions are my witnesses. 

But, on very few occasions, I meet someone who jumps right into the mix without warning or reason.  They dive in and make themselves right at home.  It’s not logical, nor is it guided.  And rarer yet, sometimes that person jumps right back out.  Of course, when jumping out, there are valid reasons or excuses.  Hell, who am I to blame someone for behaving in ways similar to my own?   I get it, it’s not personal, it’s not an attack, but it is still rejection.  And it’s the kind of rejection that shakes you to the center of the force that keeps you closed in the first place. 

 Standing there afterward, you feel the regret of an emptiness that was forgotten; an emptiness that never makes itself known until these moments.  And these are the moments that remind you there are very few people who, unwittingly, sneak right into that little space and propel us over the walls of fear.

 And after they’ve abandoned the flight, we are left in midair with a choice to make.  Keep moving forward and be thankful for the experience that pulled you out, or tuck back inside and slam back into the safety of that familiar compound.  This is the impasse.  I am reminded of what I had been running from, but I was also given a glimpse of what I secretly long for.   

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