Tag Archive: growth


Fleeting

“Gather yourself, up ’til now there’s been no clue
the awakening will be swift and harsh and rude
and it won’t be what you know and it won’t be what you’d expect
and it will carry with it the force of fear-inspiring wreck”

-from the song “The Awakening” by Jennifer Nettles

Every now and then we all find ourselves at an impasse.  Suddenly the cruise control of life goes up in flames and we’re standing there unable to move forward.  Maybe we’re afraid that if we do, that unexpected opportunity will actually close.  Maybe the memories of how it felt, the hopes it fostered and the feeling of “being alive” is too much to step away from.  Or, maybe, when you’re standing there afterward, and you’ve been exposed, you’re forced to realize how empty it all is.

 Creating relationships that rarely know my inner feelings, fears, strengths and desires is what I do.  I am not easily impressed, or moved, by someone’s words.  After all, words are effortless.  Time is my guide and actions are my witnesses. 

But, on very few occasions, I meet someone who jumps right into the mix without warning or reason.  They dive in and make themselves right at home.  It’s not logical, nor is it guided.  And rarer yet, sometimes that person jumps right back out.  Of course, when jumping out, there are valid reasons or excuses.  Hell, who am I to blame someone for behaving in ways similar to my own?   I get it, it’s not personal, it’s not an attack, but it is still rejection.  And it’s the kind of rejection that shakes you to the center of the force that keeps you closed in the first place. 

 Standing there afterward, you feel the regret of an emptiness that was forgotten; an emptiness that never makes itself known until these moments.  And these are the moments that remind you there are very few people who, unwittingly, sneak right into that little space and propel us over the walls of fear.

 And after they’ve abandoned the flight, we are left in midair with a choice to make.  Keep moving forward and be thankful for the experience that pulled you out, or tuck back inside and slam back into the safety of that familiar compound.  This is the impasse.  I am reminded of what I had been running from, but I was also given a glimpse of what I secretly long for.   

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Stumbling

With each day that passes I find that I become a little less tolerant of the environment around me.  Daily interactions with people, processes at work and the incessant whining of everything else; it all makes me feel frustrated and anxious.  I used to be someone who truly loved the adventure of new people, the excitement of unknown places and the challenges of overcoming a difficult task.  Now, I find myself withdrawn from those experiences.  What happened?  When did it all change and how did I fall off course?

Friends tell me to confront certain issues, but the thought of confrontation makes me feel tired.  I retreat to my bedroom or a quiet walk or sit at my favorite bar stool and lose track of time.  On the outside I’m connecting with those around me, but on the inside, everyone is at an arms length… “Keep away”, I say to myself.

The excitement of being successful and “living the life” no longer calls out to me.  The desire to find love and build a life together has faded.  Instead, I do the things I do because I have to.  I have to be responsible, I have to plan for tomorrow and ensure that my actions today support a better experience for tomorrow.  I do this while waiting for “it” all to return.  Hoping that that drive, the hunger to succeed, the excitement of “getting out there” and facing life’s daily adventures… all comes back again.  At one time, life was full of bright colors and called me to its spotlight.  Now, I look out and see black & white stills of what was, and I pull at my memory to help me feel those faded emotions.

The up and down slopes of life are confusing and navigationally challenging.  Is this really my life?  Is this as good as it gets? I had expected so much more!

A change is happening and its definitions are still being written.  At the end I will, once again, be full of that drive and passion I once felt.  Until then, I survive the storm and keep faith.

My LapTop Is a Bitch!

I learned today that my laptop has jealously issues. It doesn’t like when I multi-task. Whenever I pick up my BlackBerry and focus on whatever the BlackBerry has to share with me, the laptop goes into standby mode, shuts off and pouts. Before I am able to get back into its good graces I have to turn it back on and sign into it, proving that I’m committed to it.

This seams like a whole lot of nonsense to me! Maggie, that’s what I’ll call my laptop at the moment, shouldn’t be such a bitch. It’s only a BlackBerry, I love you both just the same. Quit freaking out! Then I got to thinking about this some more. Why does Maggie get pissy and shut down if I don’t show her any affection for 5 minutes? The answer is simple, somewhere along the way she was programmed to behave this way. After fondling her settings for a little while, she is now satisfied to wait for 20 minutes before storming off and giving me the silent treatment.

Fixing this was easy, but finding where a person was programmed to react to something is much more difficult and can be painful to watch. Especially when that person is someone you care about. From the outside, I can see straight to the source of the frustrations, but I lack the ability to play with the settings. I lack the intelligence of finding the perfect string of words to explain a possible solution. Instead, I offer the words I know and hope that it’s helpful. I offer the best hug I have, I hope it seals in my words and support.

Life is a series of events, new and old, and they all come together a thousand times a day. Sometimes they’re perfectly connected and fit together easily. Other times the pieces fit together after you’ve maimed them with a hacksaw and used a nail gun to keep them in place. But, most of them just kind of fit. They’re not all flawlessly cut to perfection and laid out, some have holes, some have uneven edges and others just float there. And that is okay.

These events are your story. It’s up to you to make it a beautiful story or a tragedy. So, with my best hug and a slap on the ass… Get out there and make it a beautiful story!

The Guide

The guide offered many things

It showed happiness, sadness and confusion

It showed anger, confidence and trust

It showed no trust, no confidence

It displayed beauty and disgust

Reflections of choices and beliefs

Good and bad

Memories of pain and comfort

I heard music and I heard noise

It whispered my name

It screamed my name

It explained and it frustrated

It described and it infuriated

It spoke of luck, but insisted on faith

It offered answers and support

It allowed choices

I walked away

I wrote this eleven years ago.  It’s amazing how much one grows and discovers in eleven years!

The trouble with dating and the truth is that whether or not you’re actually being honest, the listener often times is deciphering your words with a number of filters, unknown to you.  He is listening, but thinking back on what he thinks he heard you say, what he thinks you did, what he hopes you will do and all this is being filtered thru a larger, more dangerous filter; emotion.  By the time you’re done expressing your feelings and explaining why you feel as you do, the listener has created an entirely new reality.  And you’re not even aware of it!  When you have, finally, been invited to roam the halls of his mind (usually the invite is in the form of an unexpected reaction) you’re speechless and baffled by what has been created. 
Was the truth so boring it had to be spiced up?  Is honesty not dramatic enough?  After all, it’s far more entertaining to bust someone in a series of lies.  But, what do you do when confronted with the simple, boring, impersonal truth? Some may piece together an assumed story line with soap-opera-like dips, turns and hidden scandals.  Others will hear you, simply say “thank you” and walk away; they understand it’s not personal.  
In some situations, I’ve found myself walking away from a conversation feeling the gears in my brain blow apart.  The theatrics were so great that I’ve doubted my own words.   However, while staring off into the air trying to grasp the process I found myself kidnapped by, I find my footing and remember, this is not my problem.  This is why that little voice in my head said, “keep your distance”.  And this is when the listener can thank himself, for making it personal.  The listener’s filters may be a maze of confused emotion, but they’ll clear, and he’ll settle on his own version of the truth.  Which, will no doubt, fuel the next disappointment.