With each day that passes I find that I become a little less tolerant of the environment around me.  Daily interactions with people, processes at work and the incessant whining of everything else; it all makes me feel frustrated and anxious.  I used to be someone who truly loved the adventure of new people, the excitement of unknown places and the challenges of overcoming a difficult task.  Now, I find myself withdrawn from those experiences.  What happened?  When did it all change and how did I fall off course?

Friends tell me to confront certain issues, but the thought of confrontation makes me feel tired.  I retreat to my bedroom or a quiet walk or sit at my favorite bar stool and lose track of time.  On the outside I’m connecting with those around me, but on the inside, everyone is at an arms length… “Keep away”, I say to myself.

The excitement of being successful and “living the life” no longer calls out to me.  The desire to find love and build a life together has faded.  Instead, I do the things I do because I have to.  I have to be responsible, I have to plan for tomorrow and ensure that my actions today support a better experience for tomorrow.  I do this while waiting for “it” all to return.  Hoping that that drive, the hunger to succeed, the excitement of “getting out there” and facing life’s daily adventures… all comes back again.  At one time, life was full of bright colors and called me to its spotlight.  Now, I look out and see black & white stills of what was, and I pull at my memory to help me feel those faded emotions.

The up and down slopes of life are confusing and navigationally challenging.  Is this really my life?  Is this as good as it gets? I had expected so much more!

A change is happening and its definitions are still being written.  At the end I will, once again, be full of that drive and passion I once felt.  Until then, I survive the storm and keep faith.

Advertisements